Daily Deaths…

“Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.” John 15:13

Laying down a life is no small thing.

Each and every day I am commanded to lay down my life, take up my cross, and follow my Savior. Each and every day I am commanded to lay down my life for my friends…and my enemies.

This means I must die, not only literally if the moment were before me, but also that I must refuse to sin against my brother. I must act for his good and not my own. I am to be Christ in every moment that I interact with those who cross my path.

In this new life, surrounded by my brothers and sisters who look nothing like me and who often think nothing like me, I frequently find myself called to die. They interpret scripture differently than I do. Their normal behavior is different than mine. Their right and wrong are founded on a different cultural view. They see everything through different eyes and it is a hard struggle most days to slow down, step back, and learn to listen to the heart of the matter. As I immerse myself in this world more and more I find that there is a beauty and charm to this different view but there are also many moments where I am called to simply love and not understand.

Christ died for us that we might have life. He died that we might be followers of Him. The Triune God created this world, these people, and these cultures. He watches them, He grows them, and He loves them. He sees the struggles we go through to mix with one another. He sees how metal can sharpen metal. He sees how we clash and how we blend. He sees how, in the end, we do all worship the same God. He sees how we worship Him.

I do not physically, in some great dramatic sense with a soundtrack playing in the background, die daily. No. I die to myself in little moments. I fail more often than I succeed and I love far less than I should. I still insist on hiding the beautiful soul God gave me for fear that it will be hurt again. I refuse to die to myself and love these people, as they deserve to be loved. I refuse to love them as Christ loved them. So them I often do not lay down my life for them. I often choose to walk in sin and forget this simple and yet difficult commandment.

But Christ is near and His lessons are daily with me. Day in and day out since His plan led me here I have found myself stretched, sharpened, comforted, and blessed. In this past year and a half He has given me back so much and filled my life with so much love. He guides me. He slowly shows me how to lay down my life for this life that He has given. He gives me a heart for this time and this place. He gives me love for these people. He gives me grace.

He slowly shows me how to blossom, how to grow, and how to die to myself because I ask Him too. He shows me how to love these people because I beg Him too. He shows me His will for my life here because His precious daughter begs it of Him. In beautiful moments of crystalline clarity He answers these prayers and shows the way. He places people who love me dearly in perfect positions to speak truth into my life every moment that I need it.

He is with me and I am not alone. He will grant the request and He will answer the prayer. He will show the way. He will give strength for the death that is required. He will show the way that the death is to be accepted. He will one day show me the larger purpose of why this death was required of me. He will show me the beauty of His plan.

As I reflect on years past this Passion Week I find that I smile with joy as I see the answers to so many prayers that were prayed. How He has prepared and guided me to these moments and how nothing was out of His plan. He has used the heartbreak and the pain to build something greater and deeper in me than I ever could have imagined. He used my willingness to die to my desires those years ago to lay a foundation for what He was bringing me too and what He was calling me for. He saw the full picture where my brokenness saw only despair and was forced in blind trust to reach my hand out to Him.

In His goodness and mercy He answered and healed me. He heard my prayer and He showed me the way.

He did not forsake me.

“Truly, truly, I say to you, whoever believes in me will also do works that I do; and greater works than these he will do, because I am going to the Father. Whatever you ask in my name, this I will do, that the Father may be glorified in the Son. If you ask me anything in my name, I will do it. If you love me you will keep my commandments.” John 14:12-15.

“These Strange Ashes.”

My great love of all things Elisabeth Elliot is no secret.  In her words, written from the depth of experience and trust, I find myself speechless at how much she lived through, trusted, submitted, and obeyed.  As I pour over her pages I find myself desiring nothing more than to live a life such as she did.  A voice of caution speaks in my head for hers has been no easy life but as I struggle forward in my own walk and calling I find that each lesson brings with it a new thankfulness for the struggle that was required.

I just finished reading “These Strange Ashes: Is God still in charge?”  It covered her first year as a missionary in the Ecuadorian jungle doing translation work that was completely lost and never recovered.  It details the lessons and hardships she went through.   I confess to smiling as I read her mental review of that time in her life as I saw the similarities to my own first year living away from everything I knew.   The isolation, wondering, purposelessness, and commitment that this is exactly where we were called to be.  There is a strange comfort to realizing that Elisabeth Elliot felt the same way that you did.

In the final chapters she ties together the year of losses that it had become and the seeming waste to her eyes at the time it felt like.  Her heart asked the age-old questions of God and He answered in the same ways He always does.  He answered by showing His purposes much later and by using that time and those losses as preparation for something even harder that was coming.

So, out of my own ashes I look forward.  Trusting and knowing that all the uncertainty, questions, and unsettledness will one day make sense.  God is always building.  He is always moving us forward.  There is never a moment where He is not building us into something much more incredible.

For the sake of Him who died for us, we will continue forward, knowing that He will take care of us.  May that knowledge be enough.

A People Who Love…

(Original photo by Radoslaw Pujan “Ghosts of the Holocaust.”  Taken from here.)

Little Sister gave me three of the “Call the Midwife” books by Jennifer Worth for Christmas.  In moments when my fever was down and I was able to absorb the words on the page, I have enjoyed turning their crisp, fresh new pages and I can give them a full recommendation.  They bring a depth and power to the brief vignettes that the TV series attempts to bring to life.  However, the written word can sometimes explain things in a way that a movie screen and sound track never could.

I just finished the second book with tears in my eyes from the last words of a kindly old man to Jenny Lee.

“You know the secret of life, my dear, because you know how to love.”

The 2^nd book, “Shadows of the Workhouse,” covers the stories of three children forced by poverty into the workhouse and the torment which they received and the relationships and love they found once they left the workhouse. A mother who in desperation entered a workhouse to save her children’s life only to be separated from them and only to be informed as, one by one, all 5 of her children died.  She describes the moment she first heard what was known as “the workhouse howl,” a cry of desperation brought of agony, heartbreak, and insanity due to the appalling living conditions and pure despair.  She tells of an old soldier who was left fatherless at a young age who later joined the army, loved his family, fought in South Africa, lost his entire family in WWI and WWII, and lived a lonely life until at the very end the authoress befriended him.  The words I quoted were his.

Then, today, a friend posted a link on facebook of pictures of the “Ghosts of Holocaust,” a virtual tour or Auschwitz done so beautifully than pain could be felt in those pictures.  It brought home to me even more the blessings I have as well as the responsibilities I bear.  Those we all bear.

I wouldn’t call myself an activist for much of anything.  Surprisingly, I don’t know if it is in my nature or perhaps it is not a gift God has chosen to a waken in me but the more I see of the world, the more I hear stories of the past and the present I know one thing is certain.  We cannot be silent.  Particularly if we claim to be children of Jesus Christ:  The God who became man to die in our place so that we may have these rich, redeemed, and forgiven lives.  He commanded us to love, not just those we want to love, but to love our enemy, the lost, the dirty, and the abhorrent people in a world that cannot see His life and love.  We cannot forget that we are His lights in the world.  He is willing to be there, to touch their lives, to bring them relief, but He needs our hands and our feet.

Logic and reality tell me that there is no way that everyone’s pain and suffering will go away.  Truthfully that is not what I am saying.  Easing and going away are two completely different things.  As a nurse I have experienced that sometimes you can try your hardest to the limit of modern medical science to bring relief and there is a moment where it falls short and you are helpless.  Death and pain are not beautiful in the fact that everything is nicely arranged.  It is beautiful if someone is going home to Jesus.  Other than that it is perfectly horrible.  But there are things much worse than death that happen in this world daily.  Multiple times a day, an hour, a minute.  Still we refuse to speak up.

Holocausts, workhouses, and the pain, poverty, and despair that go with them are foreign to so many of us in a first-world country.  We literally cannot understand them.  Many of our poor cannot.  We can sympathize with them but we cannot grasp or understand them.  Until you stand, with poverty staring you straight in the eye and realize how powerless you are too help in that moment you cannot understand.  I experienced this in Thailand.  I sometimes see a different kind of poverty in the faces of those I pass in the streets here.

Christ came and died that we might have freedom from this and that the world be brought to Him in His fullness.  Not so that slavery, abortion, sex trafficking, war, genocide, and all manner of evil could exist.  Instead He conquered it and gave us a job to do.  A big one and the most important job that we could ever do:  to fill His world with His light.  Our responsibility is clear.  We cannot ignore it.

There is something that each of us can do.  Whether it is to open our eyes to the hardship our next-door neighbor is going through, to getting involved with abortion and sex trafficking in your city, because it will be there.  Examining God’s call for you life is a great way to start.  I know I had too and the call was hard, painful, and a very long battle on my side but worth all the pain and anguish to bring me to a life that I cannot imagine never living.  I would encourage all young people to stop thinking about their plan for their life to a certain extent and open their hearts, souls, and ears up to what purposes God has placed on them.  Be willing to take a risk and leave your comfort zone.  Be willing to leave all you know behind and suffer mockery and ridicule.  Christ did more than that for us.

If you can do nothing else, then pray.  Pray fervently and passionately.  Prayers are our greatest weapons as the people of God and possibly the least utilized.  We need to be a people of God who’s hearts are on fire for His kingdom and His glory.  Not the bright, flame dancing, soon dying flame.  No.  The white-hot flame of the hottest of all coals that can start so many other fires through its heat.  Those are the hearts with which we much fight this battle.  It is our responsibility.

One day we will stand before Him and He will ask us how we used our gifts and our blessings.  Let us not be unable to answer.

Let us be a people who knew how to love.

Today’s Life Lesson…

If I actually voiced the fact that I am a completely idealistic perfectionist with a very messy side the majority of my close friends would laugh and nod their heads yes.

I also have the most unattainable high standards for which I have very little grace on myself for failure.

This mindset leads to stress.  Also to drama.

Yesterday was a perfect example of this in my life.  It was the second day of one of my new doctor’s clinic and in my mind, through the lenses of my spectacles, the day was a dismal failure.  Granted, I was completely overwhelmed and was down a helper which was a large contributing factor.  Whatever the cause, be it real or perceived I left work yesterday in a ball of stress and fizzing at the gills.

Thanks to a darling roommate who is always so patient in listening to my venting sessions I actually realized that I needed to ask for help…not a normal conclusion for me to arrive at.  So, I sent a message to the right person, got up at 6am this morning, had a cup of coffee, talked it out, came to solutions, and started a new day.

Asking for help…sometimes it just works wonders.  Also, asking for counsel from the right person, not everyone you come across, actually leads to excellent solutions.

Lesson of the day:  Humble yourself and ask for the help.  You don’t have to be perfect and you certainly don’t have to be the Lone Ranger.

Particularly not as a nurse.

Now, to implement this lesson.

🙂

Thoughts For A New Year…

Several years ago I gave up making New Year’s resolutions.  Why?  Because I felt as though I was disappointing myself every year since I never actually do anything on the massive lists I would make out for myself.  I suppose that is part of the trouble with being a visionary.  There are so many ideas and so much initial passion, but the follow through is something that is hard to accomplish.  Now, while I am constantly working on this aspect of my character (starting with little things like cleaning the kitchen after I cook…still no where on that one.) I had to stop and realize in the past few months that, in some ways, I didn’t need to worry about it too much since that is not how God geared me to be.  After all, if I actually spent all of my time on the thousands of hobbies, ideas, and plans I came up with I would be overworked, underpaid, and exhausted beyond belief.

It would be the worst kind of self-imposed bondage if I lied to myself and told my mind and heart that I was worthless if I did not accomplish every vision I came up with…or that every thought or idea had to happen.  Instead, I started wondering, what if I took the visions and problems given to me to work on and focus there.  After all, God has a way of directing us to exactly what we need to do.  I am sure that if an idea is needed I can access that part of my brain, but what if, for the first time in life instead of overwhelming myself with tasks that have not even been given to me to do, I just lived and focused on what was in front of me?

Let us take what is in front of me right now.  Acclimating to a new home, job, and social group.  Learning a new and very delicate area of nursing.  Learning a new language.  Getting to go on European vacation.  Continue working towards learning how God wishes for me to heal my body.

Hmmm….I don’t know about you but I think that those are quite enough.  I think, one thing that I need to learn is to not take on stuff that is not mine to work on.  I need to focus on giving quality work in the areas that I am given to work on.  Not add on so much more that I scarcely know what I am doing.

So, upon this new year, I choose to make no resolution other than the one which I make every single day when I wake up…to serve and obey God to the best of my ability by His help.  Because, at the end of the day, that is really all that I can do.

May God’s blessings be upon you in this new year!

 

Daring To Live…

The trouble is, I don’t want people to see where I sin and fail.  I want everyone to think I am perfect.

A very human failing, no doubt.  Probably a common one too, if I had to guess.  I mean, after all, why else do I feel the need to dress perfectly, act perfectly, or be loved by everyone.  I also happen to know that I spend far more time wondering what so-and-so will think of me than what the scripture says about what Christ thinks of me.  Why do I make His opinion matter less?

I’ve been rather depressed about this and that lately.  Most people are understanding since my life is in limbo, but I also can see the precious time that I am wasting.  I needed the rest so I took it, but still, I have forgotten to be effective and care as I could have though this time.  It is as if I am planning to start being a nice person again when I get overseas.  When I get to go feel as if I am someone important.  Do we see the hole in this mindset?

As my random thoughts go on, I know that a lot of my lack of caring has to do with caring to much in the past which left me drained and broken.  I took people’s problems on myself and blamed myself for their actions.  I took on problems that were not for me to bear.  It caused me, in the end, to have to put up walls to protect myself.  I fear to be open now, to smile as only I can, and to love in the way God gifted me to be able.  I have hidden myself. 

The sad part, I believe I did it because I don’t trust God to protect me. 

It is a hard truth but as I wander back heavenward I begin to see the pattern.  I don’t trust people anymore.  I used too.  I used to believe all sorts of happy things and then life happened. I lost precious things, people dear to me, and people hurt me.  I closed off and in that I closed myself off from God…even while running to Him.  I am the one who walked out.  I am the one who did not believe His repeated promises to “never leave or forsake me.”  I don’t see Him as being enough.

I also don’t believe that who He created me to be is enough.  I think I should be someone other than who I was created to be and so I hide my true self.  I am scared to do the hard things I know I am called to do because in many ways, my gifts are also my greatest weaknesses.  I don’t feel capable enough.  I am afraid someone will laugh at me.  I am afraid I will look foolish.  Honestly, this idea keeps me from doing so many fun things. 

Fear is the enemy here and I come from a family long plagued with it.  Family curses are no joke.  This horrid enemy sneaks into my life so often that it keeps me from loving those who mean the most to me.  I fear being hurt again more than anything.  I, in many ways, fear to love again.  After all, my mind tells me that it is easier to just be indifferent than to watch another group of people be stripped out of my life again for nothing that I have done.  

So, there are my walls, guarding my heart.  Keeping everyone out and not allowing anyone in.  There is me, self-sufficient, not needing anyone.  Scared to ask for the hug I needs and in many ways not wanting to be touched.  Not knowing if it is ok to pick up a phone and text someone in case I might bother them.  There is me, refusing to allow myself to see those with pain in front of me who I know I can help.

I want to open up.  I want to help.  I want to smile and laugh again.  I want to be full of life and love.  But instead I hide all because I fear to trust a Savior who died for me.  Who died that I might live without fear.  Who conquered the enemy.  Who gives me life.  Who heals my soul.  Who meets every single one of my needs at exactly the right time. 

There is a cure.  I know it.  A relationship with Christ is like any other relationship in life.  You have to work at it, tend it, care for it.  The difference is that God will not leave you, lie to you, and abandon you.  He may ask you to wait, to trust Him, and He will test you…but only for your good.  He will send you difficulties because they are exactly what you need.  I’ve lived it before and I will live it again. 

I know that one day, hopefully very soon, He will finish my healing and I will be able to smile again and be seen again.  It won’t be the same as before.  Literally, it will not be the carefree smile of my youth.  There will always be pain and sadness behind it now.  Maybe that is more beautiful in a way.  Maybe there will still be the same sunshine but with a real compassion for others.  I don’t know.  The story has yet to be written.  

I know that very soon I have to come out of my shell and the thought scares me.  I know that soon I have to become the woman He made me to be.  I must trust Him to protect me and step out of myself.  I must hand over the reigns and just live.  Every day for Him.  I must have no agenda but His. 

I must dare to live the life I have been given so that I can serve my God in the way that only I can.  I am His daughter so why should I fear?  The answer is that I should not.

“Fear not, for I have redeemed you;  I have called you by name, you are mine.  When you pass through waters, I will be with you; and through the rivers, they shall not overwhelm you;  When you walk through fire you shall not be burned, and the flame shall not consume you.  For I am the Lord your God, the Holy One of Israel, your Savior…” ~Isaiah 43:1b-3a.

 

With such a promise, why do I fear?  By God’s grace, I will not.  It is only through His strength that I will win any of my battles.  That is the realization.  I am nothing.  Christ is everything.  My life is His.  My pain is His pain.  My love is His love.  He is where I will find rest.  He will guide me there in His own time. 

There is grace enough for all…

Days You Don’t Expect…

Lake D’arbonne…

Let me put it this way…this was not how I saw August 2012 going down.

I fully expected to be overseas, living a new life, much skinnier, and without an ounce of exhaustion on board.  Instead, I am still hanging out in Louisiana, still catching up on rest, eating so much food to try and satiate an insatiable appetite, and helping out people who occasionally need me here.   Once again, God had a different plan.

Now, I do not doubt that I will eventually get overseas but I just know that it’s not quite time yet.  I think it is coming soon.  I am beginning to feel as though if I went now I would actually have something of myself to give to the people there.  Soon it will be three months since I have worked and it has taken me that long to even think about wanting to go to work.  My mind is coming back to life again.  It’s almost ready for a challenge.  Almost.

Today was a good day.  I spent it editing a very important document for one of my friends.  She is going through a particularly hard time right now and I am so glad that I am able to still be here to help her.  If I was overseas I would not have been able to spend my day going over heart-wrenching details with her and putting them into some form of readable order.  It may not seem like that big of a deal to most people (honestly it was not really that big of a deal to me) but to her it meant the world.

Allowing God to write our story in everyday events is just as important as allowing Him to write the story in big events.  I didn’t expect this for my life right now but I seriously doubt that I would actually change it if I had the option.  Understanding and knowing how much God has my ultimate good in mind makes it easier to remember that even when I don’t understand why the train is halted that there is a bigger reason.  It makes contentment easier.  It makes letting go more possible.

Perhaps it really is true that the little things are the most important.  I suppose it goes hand in hand with being faithful in the small things.

Take today…open your eyes and look for the opportunity to serve and the ability to rejoice in what is sent.

The Goodness Of Grief…

Grief is one of the greatest blessings I have ever come across.

“Those who sow in tears

            will reap with songs of joy.

He who goes out weeping,

            carrying seed to sow,

will return with songs of joy,

            carrying sheaves with him”

                                    (Ps. 126:5-6)

“I believe we must all two spiritual disciplines to everyday life.  The first is worship.  We must adore God deliberately, regularly.  The other is Grief.  We must allow a time for sorrow to do our own personal sowing.  I see no other way to care for our hearts.” ~John Eldredge, Desire:  The Journey We Must Take to Find the Life God Offers.

The act of grief is a very natural part of life.  It even has stages that some very logical people tried to use to define how it should happen, what to look for, and what one should accept.  We can grieve anything and everything.  The trouble is that we often do not.

For myself, I spent several years not grieving losses and hurts.  Instead I spent them whining and complaining, acting psychotic, and hurting a lot of people whom really did care about me.  Looking back now I can see that in many ways it was ignoring grief that was a major cause of plenty of my actions.  That and being an all-knowing teenager:  I’m not sure which was worse.

In the end my Heavenly Father, in His infinite wisdom, choose to teach me how to grieve.  He broke me.  As I lay shattered on my living room floor shedding tears which had long been locked away, allowing myself to feel hurts which had tortured me for so long, a breath of life slowly began to creep back into my heart and soul.  My broken heart with all of it’s gaping wounds were being stitched back together by the great surgeon Himself.  Each puncture of the suture needle caused me to scream and cry out but the healing process had begun.

Grief is necessary to healing.  Grief requires pain.  Pain is almost always a part of healing.  I had to be willing to feel again and feel that which I did not wish to.   I had to allow the pain to absorb me, the anger and questions had to be asked and let out.  It was hard, messy, and most around me did not fully understand what was taking place or what God was doing for me.  I didn’t even understand.  I truly never imagined where He was taking my heart or how beautiful the end of the chapter would be.  I never dreamed of the peace that I would find at the end of it all or the freedom that would come.

Grieving taught me many things.  It taught me first and foremost to never fear grief in any form.  It taught me to run to my Heavenly Father for the only true respite and healing for the wound I grieved.  It taught me that I have no power to heal myself.  It taught me that there is one who does truly love me more than any other and who knows exactly what I need.  Grief taught me about Christ.

It is about more than crying, yelling, and getting over yourself (though all of those reactions are very acceptable side effects).  It is about the process it takes you through.  For me, grieving taught me to let go of false idols.  It taught me to release my desires and dreams.  It taught me that I am much smaller than I ever dreamed, my purpose much larger than I ever could have imagined.   But most of all, God used it to show me His purposes for me and to bring me to where He wanted me to be.  He did it all in such a way that the glory could only go to Him.

It was, without doubt, two of the hardest years of my life.  Two years of change, death to self, heartbreak after heartbreak, and more tears than anyone could ever count.  It was also, without doubt, two of the best years of my life for in those two years I learned more about the love of the Father than I ever had in my life before.  I learned how to truly live and worship Him and He set my feet on the path that He created for me.

However, to reap the benefits of grief you must be willing to learn the lesson.  You must “carry seed for sowing” for without that you cannot reap the harvest.   It truly does make all the difference.  Grief will heal but only if you allow God to do the healing.  You have to be willing, as in all else, to die, let go, and give up.

You see true grief opens you up to your own failings, sins, and losses.  It causes you to feel.  It will open wounds that you don’t even know you have.  It will cause you to deal with issues that you don’t want to.  It will be used to teach you your sins.  And, as you see all of this and repent of it, the tears will cleanse you and wash the hurt and pain away.   Grief is the ground in which the seed is planted.  How the plants grow depends on how you choose to respond and tend the garden.

Grief is a great good.  Not something to be feared.  Open yourself to it.  Allow your heart to feel the pain.  They are the knife strokes, the blades of the tiller, the tool to begin the work.  Grief will make you see the beauty of all that is around you and make the gifts given even more wonderful for you will cherish them so much more.  Grief will bring thankfulness.  It will remove bitterness and hatred.  It will allow for forgiveness to truly come.  And with forgiveness comes true freedom.

Grieve.  It is good and you will not be alone.  Christ, who became fully man and knows your pain as He took it all upon Himself will be with you in every moment.  He will never, ever, leave you to walk without Him.  He will be your guide.  He will push you to the very edge of your limits solely to show you just how much you do need Him.  He will show you His grace and love.

Your Own Story…

“Child,’ said the Lion, ‘I am telling you your story, not hers. No one is told any story but their own.” ~C.S. Lewis, The Horse and His Boy.

I was reading this story earlier this week and this quote has had me thinking ever since.  There has been a change in some of the hitherto significant friendships in my life.  I know God is changing chapters for me but instead of the tearful good byes I was expecting it seems that perhaps God has chosen to end certain friendships…or to at least fade them into the past.

Pain comes with such fading because at first I was not sure of the reason and at one point my reputation was called into question.  Anger of course was a first reaction but God quickly began to show why He had a better plan.  It has ended up with me helping out another friend more than I ever dreamed I would, getting a nice long vacation, and spending extra time with my family before I leave for my next adventure.

Once I finished being hurt and mad at people I started wondering a few things.  Living with my family again my own faults are becoming more evident to me and as I start to think and focus on them I see clearly that I am a sinner once again.  I see how much I need God’s grace and because of that I need to extend that same grace to the others in my life.  I need to take care of that plank before I go harping on specs elsewhere.

Sin is the ultimate culprit.  It would have our hurt feelings cause even more division than there need be.  I would rather, in my sinful state, insist that I am right and grab at my own way.  By God’s grace however, I am guided home.  I am guided to a place where I am able to let go of the pain and hurt and live fully the story that He is writing for me.  You can never participate fully in someone else’s story no matter who they are.  The only one that you will ever know 100% is your own.  It is the only one that you must answer to God for.  Stories will weave together and we are here to build each other up but in building we cannot forget to love each other.  We cannot forget that we are not the pinnacle of the greater and grander story.

So, each and everyone of us has a story.  Today mine includes a pavlova topped with cream and peaches, a workout, and watching Pride and Prejudice with my little sister.  Tomorrow will come and it will be another installment of my story…and your’s, and everyone else’s.  Everyone has their own battles, hurts, and pains…that is why we must love one another.  Because each of us needs just as much grace as the other.

Get caught up in your story.  Love it and live it fully.  Be aware of others stories and help them where you can.  Just don’t try and write theirs.  That is God’s job and He will do a much better job than you ever will.

“Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.” ~1 Corinthians 7:17.

“And I’ll Know What I’ve Lost And All That I’ve Won…”

Tonight is possibly my last night alone in my little apartment.  Boxes and mess are all around and for one last time I have retreated to my balcony for a moment of peace.  Today it is two years officially since I first fell to my knees and screamed heavenward for God here.  Two years ago today my heart was broken and I was left alone…only, not so alone.  All was pulled away and I was left broken so that I might learn to find peace and happiness in my Heavenly Father.

The song “Going Home” sung by Mary Fahl from the Gods and Generals soundtrack became my theme song.  Even in my pain I knew this was a journey.  I knew I would make it through.  I knew it was a beginning.

Now, two years later, here I am: a different me but still so much the same.  I know what I have lost.  I lost myself.   Then God the Father picked me up and showed me how He saw me.  His voice and peace have wrapped around me on this same breeze so many times in the past two years. He has never left me or forsaken me.  He has shown me my home.   He has shown me my heart.  He has proved that I am His daughter.

This home, these people, and this countryside have been so key in bringing me to this point.  The beauty with which God worked out all the details still astounds me.  Now, as He pushes me away from my adopted family and back towards my blood family I smile for I see His hand at work here too.  I see that He still has a plan.  I see His call to me and I know He has prepared me for something wonderful: something that only He knows.

He has given me my heart back, healed and ready for what lies ahead.  He has given me closure so that I do not look back to this life behind me with regret.  He has washed me and cleaned me.  He has made Himself my cornerstone.  He has taught me to listen.

And now…He sends me to a new home and a new calling.  With tears I will leave this home.  I will miss it but I will not desire to return.  The caterpillar must become the butterfly now.  She must spread her wings and fly.

This journey is finishing and a new one if beginning.  There are constants that will journey with me.  Nowhere that I go will I escape from the love and protection of my Father.  His plans and His purposed will still come to fruition.  He will still lead and guide me.  New lessons and journeys will come.  New chapters will begin and end, just as this one has.

My breeze holds me.  I relish it.  It has been special to me.  I rest knowing that it will come in a different form in the east.

I am going home…I know what I have lost and I know what I have won.  Do not try to stop me or stand in my way.  I follow my call with complete certainty: I follow where my Saviors asks me to go.

My highest tribute is to obey…